As we are greeting the new year there are some of us who are busy listing our new year’s resolutions for 2022. And as we all know and have tried, some of those determined resolutions that you have listed in the previous year, is just not gonna happen.
Some of those resolutions can always be quite funny. But seeing that this past year has been long, tragic, painful, and felt like it would never end, some of us have not even started with nexts year’s, as we don’t have time for a happy go lucky vibe and the Kris Jenner’s “you’re doing amazing, sweetie” attitude.
Facing some of the hardest times and a world wide pandemic which threw everyones lives around, has been some though times, but no more.
We are meeting 2022 wiser, hardened, and with enough sarcasm to weather whatever shitstorm this new year has waiting for us. To help you get into the right mood, with a smile on your face and help you get through the last stretch of 2021, here is some hilarious New Year’s resolutions that are more fitting for the roaring twenties we’re actually experiencing versus what we thought we would.
1. Stop doom scrolling on Twitter.
2. Live my best life and only buy pants with no buttons or zippers.
3. Cultivate the confidence of Kanye West without the tone-deafness of Kanye West.
4. Go vegan for six months and inevitably give up.
5. Sign up for a marathon that I bravely will not actually run.
6. Unfollow all the Kardashians but continue to keep up.
7. Remember to make overnight oats the night before even though I know I won’t want to eat them in the morning.
8. Go on a vitamin and supplement shopping spree and finish at least one bottle before I give up.
9. Buy all leftover 2020 calendars and burn them.
10. Go outside. Among people.
11. Relearn social cues after a year at home.
12. Stop lying to myself about following New Year’s resolutions.
13. Go viral on TikTok.
14. Make a viral reel making fun of TikTok.
15. Turn all my high heel shoes into flats.
16. Refuse to acknowledge the entirety of 2020 during social gatherings.
17. Tattoo “New Year, New Me (JK)” on my arm.
18. Never take HomeGoods trips for granted ever again.
19. Unfriend every person who shares their unsolicited diet or exercise regimen.
20. Take more days off and burn Slack off my phone when I do.
21. Become the GOAT at sarcasm.
22. Share my New Year’s Eve champagne.
23. Have eyebrows as symmetrical as a Wes Anderson movie.
24. Keep kicking ass and taking names, because detailed record-keeping is important.
25. Do so much yoga that it actually justifies wearing yoga pants 24/7.
26. Make so many baked goods for my besties that they start calling me Martha Stewart.
27. Read more (or at least turn the subtitles on while binge-watching TV).
28. Wake up before noon on the weekends.
29. Come to terms with the fact that John Mayer is in his 40s.
30. Don’t text that toxic person back. You know the one. We all have one.
31. Fart in front of my squad with no shame.
32. Stop making lists.
33. Eat more tacos.
34. Stay in the bathroom while I brush my teeth.
35. Stop drinking orange juice after I’ve brushed my teeth.
36. Stop daring people to lick frozen flagpoles.
37. Use more chapstick.
38. Floss every day — and not just with wild abandon in the week leading up to a cleaning.
39. Find more reasons to use the word “verisimilitude.”
40. Book that bougie trip, girl.
41. Actually put on a full outfit for Zoom calls (although let’s be real, business-on-top-PJs-below never hurt anyone).
42. Get waxed without feeling obligated to make awkward small talk.
43. Stop making resolutions.
44. When meeting with friends, I will stop telling the same jokes. Or make new friends.
45. I will stop simultaneously talking on the phone with one person and writing letters to another.
46. I will stop saying “Mmmm, how nice” during the inspection at the airport. It seems that this is only
47. I will not blame my younger brother for wetting my bed. Especially if I don’t have a younger brother. And I live alone. And in general I am 30 years old.
48. I will drink more. Benjamin Franklin seems to have said that beer is proof of God’s love.
49. I will play more computer games. Scientists say it’s helpful and develops visual skills. But we always knew that, didn’t we?
50. Find a new job and stop chopping ham in the supermarket for rude shoppers.